In the Wizard of Oz, the Wicked Witch of the West would send her minion flying monkeys to wreak havoc on Dorothy and her companies. They essentially acted as workers, doing the grunt work while she remained in her evil castle. This Flying Monkey is a way to describe the narcissistic tendencies of a person who enacts abuse on another person through a third party. Triangulation as this common psychology term is defined is where the manipulative person will use a third party individual to communicate with the person being manipulated. It’s a method used by certain narcissists to enact control in the other person’s lives.
An example of this is a narcissistic partner, let’s say her name is Amy, who wants to ensure their target, Tricia is left feeling isolated. Amy and Tricia were previously best friends with another girl named Megan. Amy talks to Megan after her falling out with Tricia, asking questions like “Did Tricia even hang out with you this week?” or “She didn’t even remember your competition last week right? I mean it’s probably nothing.” Amy is essentially planting seeds of doubt and even negativity towards Amy by asking questions and playing the victim instead of direct communication.
It’s basically this psychological threesome you really didn’t consent to if you’re on the receiving end of this situation.
- Gaslighting: Manipulate you into questioning your own beliefs. Probably the hallmark behavior of narcissists. “Everyone thinks….” or, “No one thinks knows how annoying/how great I am, you are the only one that doesn’t think that”.
- Savior Complex: Puts themselves on a pedestal and make themselves look “wonderful” by making people closer to you.
- Creates Uneccessary Sides “He always does this/says this…” although this is something that you’ve only done once. They are trying to get this person to give them credulity and bolster their ego and then hurt the other person in some way.
- Overexagerrates “Even my crazy ex didn’t act as bad as you.” as they are talking bad about you.
- Victimizes themselves.“I try so hard, but this person is sadly the evil villain” and makes themselves a victim. The covert narcissist is especially good at playing themselves as the victim.
An example of a Narcissist who utilizes Flying Monkeys is the Covert Narcissist. The warning signs include:
- On the surface, not a regular narcissist (regular narcissist go around telling people how great they are) appear very nice on the surface.
- They are in positions that are prestigious or fuel external value/ego and give them money, compliments, prestige
- You are not going to hear them say they are the best at something but instead, they put themselves in positions where they can get all of those.
- Partake in love bombing which is kinda like the honeymoon phase of dating. They start out so sweet and nice, successful on the surface but in actuality, they hide some deep-seated bitterness or resentment or feelings of failed ambition.
- Very good at playing the victim. Make situations where the world is unfair to them. Potentially they, or people close to them, have sicknesses to garner sympathy from people.
- Passive-aggressive. Send a message that they think so little of you, they build themselves up and break yourself down.
Whether you are a victim of one, or you are one yourself, it's nice to be able to acknowledge that this is happening in your life and enact some type of change whether it’s an intervention or getting professional help. Either way, the actions of a person participating in Triangulation can be upsetting and can definitely strain the relationship between two people or a friend group.
