Quarantine gave me -dare I say it- the gift of connecting to my true inner self. I remember crying for absolutely no reason. Right before bed, staring up at the staccato ceiling, listening to the soft tapping of my roommate on her computer, I felt as if the world suddenly was placed on my chest and tears just streamed down my face. Godamnit girl why are you crying?? What’s wrong? I remember asking myself grasping at the surface level of my being trying to understand what was causing this random surge of emotions. I really had no idea.
Who are you, my little inner self echoed back. I realized I didn’t even know how to comfort myself. Ok push it back, it’s fine is something I always tried but now it wouldn’t go away.
I think for so long I tried to fit myself into this mold of someone else, created this image of who I wanted to be, sculpted by the people I chose to surround myself with. I love my friends with all my heart and the people in my life have all been there to affect some type of change in my life trajectory, but as an incessant people-pleaser, I realized that every person I met in life, I tried my hardest to mold myself into an image they wanted. A fun, outgoing person who’s always down? That’s me for the night. An optimistic, smiley supporter? I gotcha. Someone who’s into medical dramas, even though to this day I still haven’t seen a single episode of Gray’s Anatomy? Yes, let’s fangirl, after I read the synopsis on Wikipedia in the bathroom right before I see you. It’s as if I have something to prove to everyone in the world but myself.
Have you ever heard that we are a reflection of the 5 people we surround ourselves with? As post-grad looms on the horizon, I realize the people that I’m surrounded by right now, lovers who come and go, friends that form and break as seasons pass are temporary like cotton candy dissipating in your mouth — just a fleeting sweet aftertaste in your memory. The connections we have are bound to change which is the beauty of life. The privilege we have to meet people, to fall into and out of relationships, and to take something from each person we meet. But I don’t want others to define who I am because I want to establish this sense of who I am with myself first.
I’ve never said this out loud, so I will just type it onto this white screen, the tapping of the smooth keyboard transcribing what I truly need — to go on this journey to find myself and understand what I like and what sparks joy in me without outside influences.
And perhaps I need therapy (but don’t we all to a certain extent).
